I. A familiar pattern
It was the end of the school day, and Hannah F. sat alone at a table. Across the hallway, she heard male students start talking loudly about the alumni and senior girls they most wanted to sleep with. She grew increasingly uncomfortable as the boys revealed their lists, floating comments about their peers’ faces and bodies to “justify” their rankings. They laughed and belittled each other’s choices.
It wasn’t a particularly surprising experience; Hannah had consistently noticed objectifying language being used at school since her freshman year. It never got easier to hear. As she listened, Hannah stayed put, unable to stop overhearing the conversation taking place 30 feet away.
“I didn’t say anything, because I wasn’t involved in the conversation,” she said. “But I do wish that I stood up and said something.”
However, she is not sure what she would have said, or how she could effectively push back against objectifying language.
Objectification, the act of degrading someone to the status of a mere object, and sexualization, the act of imbuing a person, behavior, or object with a sexual meaning or character, are not always easy for students to identify or rebuff in everyday settings. Objectifying behavior is not always sexual. Sexualization does not always fall along gendered lines—although it commonly intersects with misogynistic views of women’s bodies—and it can be harder to identify when it does not take traditional gendered forms.
In a survey of 101 Upper School students, faculty, and staff, 53.5% of respondents reported that they often or very often perceive “objectifying language being used casually or as a joke, as though it’s normal,” in an average week at Nueva. When it comes to students standing up against objectifying comments, 51.5% of respondents reported that they rarely perceive students pushing back against such remarks in an average week at Nueva, and 24.8% reported they never see it happening.
Since freshman year, Connor H. has noticed repetitive, casual use of objectifying language in social contexts. He recalled a ride with senior boys from soccer practice back to school: they talked about a girl in their grade, commenting on her appearance and sexual appeal.
“This was my first impression of the girl. Every single time I saw her in the halls or heard about her, I just couldn’t help but remember that,” Connor said.
As a senior, Ayaan M. said that the normalization of objectifying language is especially worrying for his grade, as seniors often model behavior and shape overall school culture.
“As seniors on campus, the fact that we allow this [behavior] in our circles allows younger grades [to] feel like they can push the boundaries on it, which is, of course, not okay,” Ayaan said.
Social media platforms, as Arishka J. believes, can amplify objectifying behavior, especially when teenagers use the platforms to seek out romantic interests or prom dates, judging every possible prospect only by their appearances. “When so much of our focus is on the way people look, people are always going to objectify, because they make judgements about people before getting to fully know them,” Arishka said.
At times, within online and in-person contexts, it is unclear whether comments are objectifying or not. For Beckett B., talking about attraction amongst friends is normal and harmless. However, he acknowledged that the line between objectifying comments and non-objectifying appreciation of someone’s looks can be easily blurred.
In sophomore year, for instance, a friend shared positive comments about Beckett’s appearance made by upperclassmen. Beckett considered the experience more flattering than creepy. “I didn’t feel uncomfortable. I felt a little validated, actually,” Beckett said. “Maybe if the gender roles had been switched, I [would] have felt different. I don’t know.”
For an anonymous sophomore, the categorization of comments or incidents as objectification is defined by how she feels in the direct aftermath. She recalled an incident where a male friend shared a distorted story about her with other male classmates. Beyond a general “gross” feeling, she began to worry about whether she’d be perceived differently by her peers. She characterized it as a particularly significant concern for girls with similar experiences to hers.
“These are people that we’re friends with, we work with, we have group projects with; we don’t want the first thing that comes to their minds about us to be that someone shared some[thing] really weird about us,” she said.
And when objectifying comments or incidents get shared and become more broadly known amongst the student body, Lila P. is wary of how someone’s personal experience quickly becomes fodder for gossip or rumors.
“Especially with instances of oversexualization, I feel like it [gets spread] a lot through rumor mills such that the person [sexualized] doesn’t actually have control over the narrative,” Lila said. “I don’t love everyone else sharing other people’s business. I feel like if there’s an incident, it should be their own story to tell.”
II. The difficulty of speaking up
As a freshman, Irene V. had a “bit of a superiority complex” about Nueva culture. She thought students used less sexist or objectifying language than at other high schools, and that even if there were any incidents, students wouldn’t just let the comments go by.
However, as she encountered spreadsheets and tier lists ranking girls’ appearances, casual sexualizing remarks, and a culture that didn’t blink an eye, her outlook became far more cynical. These days, when she faces objectifying or sexualizing language, she isn’t sure how to effectively call out the behavior—instead, she processes the experiences in conversations with her friends, building a shared, weary knowledge of who to be cautious around.
“In general, [at] Nueva and in society, [we’re] set up to just let these things pass and think, ‘oh, that’s just how it is,’” Irene said. “I honestly think there’s a bit of fatigue amongst the people [whom] this is happening to, where we’ve just come to accept it.”
While a portion of students brush off objectifying language, others feel pressure to take comments about their looks as a compliment, regardless of the undertones of those remarks.
“I would almost try to shape it as a compliment or something else entirely [because] I don’t want those words lingering in my mind,” Julia C. said.
Speaking out against objectifying language in a social setting is also challenging for bystanders. Zoe B. would like to think she would be able to speak out at the moment. But reality, she acknowledged, is often complicated by initial shock at the comment and fear about how speaking up will be perceived.
“It can be hard, especially if it’s in a situation where you look up to someone, or you’re in the same social group as someone. You don’t want to be a problem,” Zoe said.
Despite these many difficulties, Beckett still believes that social pushback is the most effective way to address casual objectifying language. In particular, he urged male students to act, highlighting how the typically gendered tone of objectifying comments may make it more difficult for female students to speak up.
“If someone makes an inappropriate comment, and I see a woman let it slide, I’d think, ‘that’s a terrible situation, she’s probably pretty uncomfortable right now.’ But if I see a man let it slide, I’d think, ‘who is this guy?’” Beckett said. “I think as a man, you are the one who is supposed to be more accountable, because under [the] patriarchy, you are privileged.”
Despite internal and external discouragement, students hope that objectifying behavior can be more widely addressed both in educational settings and by peers.
Wendy E. believes that discussions in Sex Education sessions or classes about consent, which occur during junior and senior years, should not sugarcoat the impact of objectifying behavior or sexualizing comments. Previously, in those spaces, Wendy has found the language to be somewhat weak, dancing around serious topics.
“If we are educating people on the effects of misogyny and sexism in our language, it’s really important to shift our vocabulary to fit how serious these things actually are,” Wendy said. “Education has to fit the magnitude of the problem.”
Part of taking objectification seriously includes listening to the experiences of those affected. For bystanders, Hilde K-K. emphasized the importance of offering support.
“We have to believe people when they’re saying, ‘I’m feeling uncomfortable,’ as opposed to saying, ‘Well, I don’t actually believe that guy would do that,’” Hilde said.
As for students who use objectifying language, thinking it’s harmless, Lauren J. has a simple message to share.
“It’s not a secret thing that is staying within group chats and conversations. People hear about it and spread it,” Lauren said. “It will most likely get back to whoever they are saying it about. And it does affect them to hear stuff like that. It does hurt.”
